Remembering Jay

Yesterday was a significant day.

It marked the passing of what would have been my personal transformation partner (I’m using his words here) Jay’s 39th birthday. Instead of sharing this day with him, I am celebrating it alone, as I have for the last 11 years.

In the spring of 2001 Jay died by way of suicide. His death was a hugely transformational event, much in the way the experience of death is for many.

Then, on Oct 23, 2001, almost exactly 6 months after his death, something extraordinary happened.

I was lying on the sofa, in the home we had once shared, pondering ways to celebrate his birthday. I thought about renting a few of his favorite movies or breaking out his CD collection and having a music fest in his honor. My mind searched hard for something meaningful, but everything I thought of fell short. I was still grieving deeply and I couldn’t seem to get outside of myself long enough for inspiration to come.

Then, his soul came for a visit

The journey his Spirit led me on that day changed my life, forever. It was a day filled with personal, and spiritual, transformation. It was a journey that highlighted my deepest fears and my awakening courage. It brought me fact to face with the Power and Grace of God and the truth of how He is at work in every single moment of my life. I learned that every event (tragic or otherwise) in my life had been Divinely choreographed, with the sole purpose of supporting my spiritual awakening process. Then, I had the great honor of learning about the power of showing up, and the importance of giving myself permission to fully express who I am.

In Joseph Campbell’s book, The Hero With a Thousand Faces, he outlines a series of steps of mythic adventures and defines what we now call the Hero’s Journey. One step that occurs for the Hero or Heroine is known as:

The Crossing of the Return Threshold

The trick in returning to the world is to retain the wisdom gained on the quest, to integrate that wisdom into a human life, and then figure out how to share the wisdom with the rest of the world.

This is usually extremely difficult.

This was true for me, as well as many of the clients I now support through what I am calling The Healer’s Journey™. Over the course of the last decade healing everything inside of me that stood in the way of being able to fully step into the Truth of who God created me to be.

  • I have faced my fears, and personal demons, and gone through a dark night of the soul
  • I pulled back the protective walls around my heart, applied healing salve, and cried buckets of tears as grief tore through my being and pain stained my pillow
  • I have slain many dragons, including ones that come from being born a woman
  • I have learned to vulnerably open myself to the tender places within within that don’t have the answers, and rely on others to thrive
  • I have learned to forgive myself
  • I found a way to embrace and learn from my mistakes, rather than tear myself down with criticism
  • I have risked loving again, even though my story dictates that loving means losing, in big, unimaginable ways
Answering The Call 

11 years ago, I got my call.

That precious day when Jay’s soul awoke in me what he himself could not realize here on earth. He was a gentle man. Creative, with a depth of love in his heart that never ceased giving — Even in death, the man I loved was generously bestowing gifts upon my heart.

I pray that the telling of our story will inspire you to open your hearts to the truth that lives within you.

I pray that it encourages you to get the support you need to overcome your suffering and challenges.

I also pray that it gives you permission to passionately and confidently give voice to the gifts and dreams that live within you, so you can take one purposeful step towards remembering and fully realizing who you truly are.

Ever since the moment I walked down off the mountain, I knew the story needed to be, and would someday, be told.

That someday is now.



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